A Love Letter / A Feeling Ethic / My Ethos

Dear Fanta,

Happy birthday!

You’re a couple hours away from being 21 and things are feeling very raw.

Twenty has been a lot of things that I’m not even sure I can put into words just yet. There's a lot I'm still processing and many things I don’t even have the language for just yet.

But if I had to explain to a younger version of myself what this past year has felt like, what I overcame, what I've gained, where I am right now this moment and where I’ve been...

FIRSTLY

I'd tell her that regardless of how scary like shakingly terrifyingly scary things have felt you’ve done them regardless

I’d tell her you run through fire and make water when there is none

I’d tell her you peel your chest open and let love in even when it feels impossible

I’d tell her you’ve learned to use your voice and make things rumble

I’d tell her your smile move mountains

I’d tell you are growing less and less afraid of taking up space and allowing people to see you

I’d tell her your softness is your greatest strength and it no longer scares you to feel your heart bend

“If there’s any point to this life it is to feel. good. bad. painful. scary. on a wavy ride but riding the wave nonetheless ”

and its become your favourite part of being human

I’d also let you know that when you do let the right people see you

see all of you

it’s been a beautiful thing

you’ve gained mentors, friends, family, life partners and more who’ve helped you garner greater insights of all that you are and expand this never finished understanding of love

they’ve grown you and and gifted you things that are priceless

TWO

if I was writing a letter to you

I’d tell you that your sense of self is strong and rooted

you know what you believe in

and yet you remain curious and open

and willing to accept that you have so much life left to live

and that there are so many things about yourself you’ve yet to figure out

still you remain always so eager to learn and be & do better

dare I say maybe even a lil too eager?

you’ve learned the hard way that healing is a lifelong journey and not a destination

that it means living your life and letting things hurt

letting things hurt and living your life nonetheless

that you finally see it’s all in the journey

you’re not meant to “figure it out”

you’re not a puzzle or a broken vase

but a universe and then some

with stars and entire planets left to explore

and what beautiful things you will discover in every crevice, cave and crater

sometimes you still wish you'd already have it all figured out

already drawn clarity from every dark corner and filled every crack

but to expect yourself to have an entire universe under your belt may be a little cruel

so you’re learning to be gentle

learning to be patient

also learning to relinquish control

give in to the ebb flow

float in the water

wait by the river

jump in the sea

break cycles

shed stories

purge old experiences

release shortcomings

and let go

THREE

I’d tell you how I feel in my bones that this new decade is a brighter chapter

a grand invitation to be your own best thing

because you're worth the search, the jump and the salvation

this is a painful long beautiful untethering from the things, narratives and stories that no longer serve you

and this way you live your life makes you a butterfly

a poet

an artist

a canvas

a vehicle

you used to be reluctant to call yourself an artist

but living and making art is all the same

and my dear you are a walking embodiment of everything

divinity personified and uncontainable

so surrender to feeling

do not reduce the sensory part of being alive

do not reduce the sensory part of this praxis

let yourself live it

go experience it

make space for the unknown

play in different mediums

the tempo you use to experience life belongs to you so be present

you might be tempted to try to control it

want to know and understand the thing before it even happens

avoid being vulnerable

hesitate to say yes

want know the outcome

to be best prepared

to reduce or amplify impact

mitigate damage

avoid being hurt really

but that's not how life works

let beautiful things unfold as they’re meant to and trust that the universe got you

you will know heights and love that you cannot even begin to imagine

I’d make you to promise to promise to see you through all the way to the end

I’d remind you that every version of you would be proud of who you are and are always becoming

I’d tell you you’ve become your very own love story

FOUR

I’d say be careful not to sit in the ebb for too long

I’d warn you that things hurt

they’re gonna hurt a lot

but you have to let the water rise

let yourself come up from the deep

you need to stop sitting down there forever

and trust me I love that you never run when the sea drains and things get heavy

it’s what I admire most about you

you’re growing less and less afraid of feeling your feelings for all that they are

grief, anger, sadness and all of the above

however, I worry you stay there too long and it takes away from the moments of flow in your life

it makes it hard to you to be present for them

makes it hard for you to feel deserving of them

makes it hard to believe they’re not fleeting or bound to be temporary

but I promise you with everything in my soul that those moments are there still

and they’re beautiful

those you’re exactly where you're supposed to be moments

and they’re worth feeling

those you’re exactly where you need to be moments

they’re beautiful, they’re there, they're worth feeling

and there’s many of them left to come

I can’t tell you what tmr is gonna look like or feel like

but I know that regardless of what it holds for you

you will go about it courageously, bravely and with your whole heart on your sleeve

hand in hand in with whoever cares to do it with you

there is so much left to say

so much to keep processing

so much to unearth

but one thing I know to be true is that you have a roaring "lion’s heart"

and continue to grow into a beautiful intelligent and wholeheartedly complex so so human young woman

these are things I love about you and can only hope, pray and promise to continue to cherish

I’m proud of you, I really truly am

and as I write this I realize that this may not be so much so a letter to my younger self as it may rather very simply just be what I really needed to hear right now this moment

the right dose of what I needed to carve out some hope and some love for the future

I think this is a letter to remind myself who I am

TO BRING WITH YOU

finally,

I wish you peace, calm and serenity

I wish you deep belly breaths, genuine smiles and big laughter

I wish you moments of bliss and pure unadulterated joy

I wish you all the care, compassion, patience, respect and grace that the world does not often enough afford you

I hope you handle your hope with care and your heart as a thing alive and fragile

for that fragility makes it strong and lets it beam bright red

what a precious thing it is to feel

and oh do you do it well

I wish you a love for the present, the pursuit, the embodiment

I wish you walk slow but don't be afraid to run

I wish you run but don't be afraid to slow down

I wish you safe travels and a sweet never ending kingdom come

I wish you find all that you are right now

and for that to be enough

for you to be full on yourself, satisfied, content, happy

I want you to dare to feel good

to dream and reach for those feelings even when it feels impalpable

I wish you choose you and I wish you the courage to make that choice again and again

I love you

With heart,

Fanta

[Interlude: Puff Daddy & Tei Shi]

“ Yeah, gee, I don't, sometimes I ask myself, like

You know, what is it going to take for me not to be afraid

To be loved the way, like, I really wanna be loved?

But that I know how I really wanna be loved

But I'm, but I'm, like, scared to really, really feel that

You know, it's like you want something

But you don't know if you can handle it

I'll love again

You are the only one

You give me that hope that, um

I'll love again

Maybe one day I'll get over my fears and I'll receive

You'll be the only one

You'll be the only one”

​​[Outro: Devonté Hynes & Tei Shi]

“Follow that sea

Chase what you know

Cover your weave

Jump in the flow

Follow that sea

Chase what you know

You'll be the only one

Cover your weave

Jump in the flow”

- Hope by Blood Orange featuring Diddy and Tei Shi

XOXO

Water Sign Woman by Lucille Clifton