Mirrors

my brain is viciously beating my ass in. like life has never felt harder. and i'm tryna lean on all my silly little anchors & coping mechanisms cause they really feel like all I got. and most days it’s enough

but something about morning come and night fall fill me with dread. idk if it's the stillness, my own breathing filling the quiet or my reflection looking back at me silently, but suddenly everything I thought I was managing, fighting & I guess barely surviving is running down my cheek.

waking up and falling asleep have become the hardest parts of my day. they’ve also become my personal barometers for the state of my mental. because what do you do when the thought of morning come brings sorrow instead of joy? what do you do when despair reigns over every other emotion? when the sun coming and going brings no warmth, no comfort and no peace?

I’ve been fighting my reflection everyday for over a year.

and you do the journaling, you do the yoga, you do the therapy, you do the walks and picking up hobbies, you even do the pills maybe… and at the end of the night after a whole day of searching, yearning and hoping you still have nothing to hold, but your despair. yet, you take your hand full and go at it again tomorrow sunken eyes, barren heart and empty chest.

there’s really nothing poetic about it, but there has to be. there really has to be. you have to make something of your bare bone moments. not necessarily silver linings, but meaning at the very least.

plus there's no masking anything when it's just you. it's 10x harder when it’s no longer just living in your body, but also pooling in the glass and staring right back at you. so there has to be in that mirror somewhere some kind of catharsis, salvation, beauty or anything really.

I go looking for it every time I face the sun. I tried making it more “fun” by recording my getting ready and getting unready close to everyday. something about romanticizing your personal suffering is almost enough to make it feel worth something. so I now have an embarrassing amount of 20+ minute videos that are essentially me trying to fill up on courage. current recipe: pick a song and pretend you’re the main character in an issa rae movie while you put on or take off your brave face for the day.

so I face my mirror, I press record, I bear my all and I surrender to wherever the search takes me

and whether I dance or cry thru the whole process at least I'm a witness to myself

but but but the particularly new insight I'm gaining right now this moment is that it’s very very likely wtv you're going thru is distorting your reflection. fucking up you vision. you can’t see far ahead. can't even see yourself fully. might forget your worth when it gets foggy. on top of that depression makes everything look hazy… hence, I’m now realizing that letting other people witness you, see you, support you, hold you thru wtv you're trying to bear is literal life support. and do not confuse that with internalizing their gazing upon you, because their inability to see ALL of you is not your burden to bear. it is however possible that those who dare to really see you will gift you new visions of love to hold onto and clearer brighter ways to see you too. so stop denying yourself that. the right people will wipe your tears, clean the mirror and help you wait for the sun to peak out. help you wait for spring. help you come by warmer, kinder, greener seasons. because you deserve them. we all do.

dare to look at your own reflection

and hold out until you see light

...

tw: depression and s**cidal ideation

for black girls who have depression, who are still naming their anxiety and "5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear […]" ing their way thru life

you rarely get afforded humanity in this dunya

let alone respect, grace or empathy

you’re even applauded for your capacity to take cruelty

but you don’t have to tell me where it hurts

I see your bruises

I hear you cries

I recognize your efforts

and I believe you when you say things are hard

I promise I won’t ask you to undo stitches to prove it

or take a knife to your pain to weigh it

you are testimony enough

and I hold your tears in high regard

and I don’t expect you to be the new vanguard

and take the streets at every intersection

you hold weight to me in every tired of fighting, can’t help but crying, arms too heavy for protesting bare bones moment i no longer want to carry these bones moment this skin suit feels too heavy moment better to leave it all behind moment leave my body in the soil moment pray the hereafter is better moment

you hold weight to me as is

and i pray you an existence not defined entirely by pain, survival & resistance

but in all honesty I too am i still looking for deliverance

…

personally I’m somewhere between I need to trust that I have all the wisdom necessary to move forward, survive this, dig new pathways & see myself through AND I need to just fall back, surrender, relinquish control and ask for help

give in to the ebb & flow

and it definitely do be ebbing & flowing

and the water gets so damn high

do you ever have nights where everything that has ever hurt hurts at same time? all at once? everywhere?

"tough it out, thug it out and keep it together"

but the pain manifesting in your body is proof you are not invincible and that this should not be yours to hold alone

eventually despair starts to grow legs of its own

and you think you’re stomaching it okay until your skin starts to blister, bruise and fray from the harsh conditions you’re tryna weather

and breathing feels like spreading cancer

you can’t heal in cold dark loveless places

i pray hold up a mirror until it picks up light

dare to look at your reflection

and listen to what your heart has to say

because "you are worth so much in His eyes" 🤍 let Him be a witness too. and let those he has sent to hold you do as such.

1. your pain is valid

2. you’re never too much

3. healing is communal, relational, a together thing.

4. vulnerability is a muscle.

5. dont internalize the stones you’re thrown. you are deserving of all the love in the world. and flowers in this realm and the next.

so look again into the mirror and tell me what you see?

atoll - nai palm

interference - tems

weary - solange

burn one - brent

make it out alive - nao & sir

w.a.y.s - jhene aiko

bag lady - erykah badu & roy ayres