Strength Training

29/11/22

this is the weirdest time stamp in my life ever

like I have absolutely idea what to call this chapter

all I know is that my inner child wants a hug & someone to listen so bad

I can pin point what hurt her, but idk how to soothe her

I see her crying in a corner, but my arms aren’t strong enough to pick her up yet

I don’t want to let her down, but I don't feel strong enough to save her

I can look at my behaviour and feel what needs to go, but somethings I’m having trouble letting go

I can name my needs, but I don’t always know how to fulfill them

I can look at the cycle critically and see what needs to grow or go or change, but I don't always have the tools to do so

hence large parts of my day to day are dedicated to plowing thru wtv I need to plow thru so that tmr, a year or 5 from now I feel freer and stronger

financially, mentally, physically and all of the above

but it’s a lot of labour

and everything hurts right now

and it’s hard to have faith

I’m also realizing I’ve been scared to pray

because what if it doesn't bring me any relief

because what if all this pain is for nothing

because what comfort could I possibly find in this time period

because I’m scared that if put prayers on my tongue with no avail, my faith would take a hit far greater than what I could ever recover from

and i feel too fragile for that right now

I think fragile is a good word.

like my skin is tender. and my joints are inflamed. and my wounds are slowly scabbing over.

just the slightest misstep or increment of pain / inconvenience / uncertainty makes my whole being throb

like a punch in the gut, but right after surgery

everything is sore

everything feels level 10 pain all the fucking time

and idk if it’s like the growing pains kinda pains

or the I have so many words stuck in my throat kinda pains

or the no longer holding back kinda pains

or the purging & shedding kinda pains

or the realizing I deserved better kinda pains

or the really truly for the first time feeling all the pain I’m in kinda pain

or the not really knowing how to alchemize it just yet

how do you determine course of treatment with no diagnosis?

what is wrong if everything is?

and so I find myself crying all the time for no reason and every reason at all

it all hurts all at once

so I’m tryna sit in ice baths and stretch just the right way and eat enough…

recover. heal without going too quick / too hard and causing more damage in the process or numbing it over

I want it to be sustainable real profound kind of growth

cultivated home grown wellness

healthy tissue and fresh happiness

but I’m stumbling a lil, a lot in the process

it’s uneasy

uncomfortable

and there’s no how-to, no script or clear way out

just thru

all I can do is listen

and be

and practice

listen, hear and honor what my heart / my body / my feelings tell me

whether it feels good or bad

treat every "im tired", "i’m scared", "i love __ ", "i dislike __ ”, "i feel safe", "i feel unsafe" with the same respect

and it’s scary

it’s frustrating

it’s exhausting

because the heavy stuff doesn’t always feel like it’s a part of the plan

it feels inconvenient for myself & those around me

it doesn’t always feel like there’s time for breakthroughs & breakdowns or rest days between workouts between shifts between surviving it all

and it doesn’t always feel like all the feeling is an active part of the getting freer & stronger

but I promise you it is

not every heavy feeling has a silver lining

but every feeling has meaning

they’re your wisdom

your life experience

your compass

Allah SWT talking to you

your ancestors advising you

your feelings are your body’s attempt at connecting with you

alerting you

forcing you to hear spirit’s call to move you

do not feel burdened by them

do not feel enslaved by them

do not make demons or enemies out of the most raw, human & beautiful parts of yourself

listen to every whisper, catch every tear, see every ache and then listen to every smile, catch every giggle and see every sprout

rub a thick healing balm on your heart, your body, your mind. in each level 10 pain moment.

then put the feeling down, rest. let it go.

let it come, if it comes again.

then put it down once more.

pat yourself on the back and show up to feel again tmr

healthy tissue bruises, bleeds and hurts too

it scabs, it scars, it contorts.

it’s an integral part of you all the less.

you’re not broken. don’t judge your process.

how amazing it is to bleed

and know that healthy tissue will still form again

you have to tear muscle to grow muscle

this is strength training

and muscles are built during recovery

hold yourself gently