Paradise Found: To The Island That Gave Me My Heart Back

No one tells you that the first time you leave your hometown for real for real it will break your heart open. Your spirit will sing songs it has never sung before. You will start to hear the hums of nature and learn that you feel most at home in the ocean, in the sand, in the sun.

“Poor kids don’t travel”

“You can’t put trips before your responsibilities”

“You’re too broke for that, shouldn’t you be saving money?”

For a long time, I let the world convince me that I didn’t deserve more.

I let the noise and people’s small minds cloud my psyche and set limits to how far I could reach.

I let my grief harden me and I let my heart pump slow. 

I let my upbringing, my environment and my biological family inform my beliefs about who I was and where I should set the goalpost. And if it wasn't for this trip I would've let them shape my future. 

God only knows how many ceilings and curses I had to break to make it here. How much inner work I had to do to believe that I deserved this. That I deserve rest and slowness. That I deserve to experience the world. To try new foods and learn new languages too. To walk on land I thought I would never even set eyes on. To explore and visit places I barely knew existed.

In June, I left my small town with my baby sister on my back. We spent 8 days in Curaçao, a small but mighty beautiful little island in the middle of the Caribbean Sea.

There was so much shame around choosing me. There was no convenient time to take time away from work. Snide comments about me taking a week off to go to the beach while people were working hard on our program launch. My mother had a suggested list of 500 other things I could have and should have done with the money rather than “stupidly” follow my own impulses. My estranged father even weighed in and did everything possible to convince my sister it was a bad idea to travel with me and that if she did he would no longer help her buy her first car. There was so much guilt, manipulation, resentment and projection coming up to the surface at the mere idea of my sister and I daring to think we deserved a vacation.

And guess what? I chose myself regardless. And I would do it again a thousand times over. No shame around it. Okay maybe a lil, but we’re working on letting that go. “We” being me and every version of me nestled inside my body. We have a lot to learn and to shed, but this time, I honoured my desire, their desires, in the most beautiful and simple way. All the resistance in the world couldn't have stopped me. Most importantly, I’m glad I didn't stop me. 

I felt really guilty taking time off work during such a critical time period. I felt guilty about using money that could've been used to pay rent or pay off my credit cards or even pay my mom’s rent to do something everyone considered so outlandish. Because what makes a girl from the hood think she deserves to see the world? What makes a girl from the hood think she can dream any bigger than her own block?

When you build your entire identity around survival, struggle and hardship, and making everything out of nothing, it gets really difficult to believe that peace, ease and expansion are your birthright and that abundance is your destiny. But trust me, once you believe it, the entire universe will conspire and stand on its head to make your dreams come true if you let it (key part being if you let it).

It’s so hard to relinquish control and all the poison you’ve been taught to believe about yourself, but God is it ever so beautiful in the vortex. And so, I set the version of me who thought she could never do shit and would never be shit on fire. I decided we were quantum leaping. And I broke every self-imposed, world-imposed, family-imposed, work-imposed, culture-imposed ceiling the moment I purchased my plane ticket. It was magical, as was everything that followed.

Curaçao welcomed us warmly and made opening my heart to all this new possibility feel so easy.

In between picking up his kids from school and tending to the plants on his villa, Tony, our Airbnb host, picked us up from the airport. He was born on the island and had lived here his whole life. As he drove us to his home, he asked if he could stop for ice cream, and we bonded over healing body pains and mental health issues through natural and whole foods as he shared restaurant recommendations. You know he drove a little recklessly (we also soon learned this was customary), but his kindness and joie de vivre were contagious. Tony, the mountains and the palm trees were my first brush with ease, laughter, and mindful presence.

My sister and I stuck out like sore thumbs. Mainly because we couldn’t stop smiling. We were in awe. Our hearts wide open and our mouths agape, there was so much to see and so much to love. We were basking in this new country and all its beauty. Palm trees, blue waters and gorgeous landscapes. I read that Curaçao was one of those places you just had to take on and explore, and so we did just that. 

It was also highly recommended by Black women as a safe place to solo travel. Many said the people were friendly and that there was so much to see and experience: nature, architecture, street food. With that (and our small pocketbooks) in mind, my sister and I made the choice to immerse ourselves in the culture unapologetically and wander to wherever spirit called us. We chose Tony’s bustling villa full of other travelers over an all-inclusive resort. We chose a locally owned car rental over a personal driver and countless Ubers. We chose beaches that were open to the public with roosters and babbling babies over privately owned beach clubs and fancy cocktails. I wanted to “Anthony Bourdain travel”: get as close to the land and the people as possible. Little did I know how close it would bring me to myself.

And this isn't to chastise the choice of luxury and comfort, but I had an insatiable craving for real and authentic. To me the real luxury was the freedom to roll out of bed at 11am, to wake up every day full of wonder and awe, to move as slowly as possible and soak in every sunset. 

And mind you, I’m a very type A babe, I love a good schedule by the hour and an itinerary, but in Curaçao I felt no need for structure, rigidity, or rush. There was no need to be anything or be anywhere. There was also no need to be anybody. I wasn’t an employee or someone’s manager or someone’s daughter, I was Fanta. I was free free. I was inspired. I was present. I read “A Love Song for Ricki Wilde” from front to back. I cooked breakfast on a tiny gas stove every morning. I took silent showers. I was free because I was far away enough from the hustle, bustle and construed scarcity of my own life to breathe. And all that I am and all that the hood taught me was still there, respect for the land and people, to be mindful of my surroundings and not draw too much attention, to stretch a dollar, but also to pass one along to someone that might need it, to be mindful you’re an outsider and to remember that life isn’t all glitz and glamour just because there are palm trees, to avoid reproducing the harmful systems that keep me feeling trapped at home. That knowledge and wisdom was present, but for those 8 days the grit, teeth-clenching and sleepless nights that I usually associate with said knowledge and wisdom, they left me. I left them. Tied up in the suitcase. Who am I without all that damn baggage? 

It is easier to make yourself anew when you step away from all that you are. And it is even easier to do where there is safety, containment and immersion. I’m so grateful to Curaçao for being the catalyst but also the safe container for all this healing I didn't even know I had yet to do. 

I left my scabs, my scars and my tears in the ocean. I left every thought of  “not enough” and “incapable” out to dry in the sun.

I buried all the “undeserving” in the sand. 

The grief and its familiarity will pull you, alright. They’ll drag you to all the dark places if you let them. But I promise you can choose otherwise. You can hold it all in your palm, say thank you and you can choose to be somebody new. You can choose to be somebody who has taken the reins of her life and decided to create it moment by moment. You can refuse scarcity, smallness and the lie that life isn't meant to be enjoyed, that love isn't meant to be felt and that earth isn't meant to be explored and treasured.

In those 8 days I met who I am when I’m laughing, who I am when I don't have to be anything to anybody, who I am when there are no emails to answer and no one to answer to, who I am when I let gratitude wash over me. She’s adventurous, kind, full of laughter and giggles, and most importantly she is so soft. She is so so soft. She falls in love with trees, and birds and strangers. She greets the sky every morning and wishes sweet dreams to the moon. She loves how the night falls and the day rises.

And I still have so many questions. And so many women inside me I haven't met yet. 

Who am I when I’m handled with care?

Who am I when the people around me speak love into me?

How do I sit, walk and talk when my heart is open? How do I hold an open heart posture?

Who am I when I’m not hiding?

Who am I when I hold space for me first?

Life doesn't have to be hard and fast. You don't have to grit your teeth and clench your fists through it. 

And if the world or your family or whoever doesn't think much of you, let them.

To me you are worthy. 

The wind whispers your name.

The sea hugs your curves and holds your hand.

The land registers your every step.

Nature hums and sings for you. 

Your life holds weight and you belong to you.

If you let go and forget to come home, the wind, the water and the land will bring you to you.

The universe stands on its head and it bows to you, princess.

Write your own story, baby. Follow your soul’s rhythm and do life your own way. 

Love is your instrument. Angels walk among you. Life is for you. To live it is to honour it.

Ancestors said: your destiny is big, your future is bright and the world awaits you. It’s waiting for you to slow down and breathe it in.

There are waters, winds and lands waiting to welcome you, hold you and love you. 

You don't have to shrink your dreams, your heart or your desires.

The house I grew up in instilled fear and made lack feel like a constant. Lack of safety, lack of resources, lack of love. For a really long time I didn't think there was anything left on this planet for me. And so, I never thought I’d be able to have this. “This” being this sweet and simple confirmation that I am worthy of love too and that it reaches for me.

Who knew life could feel so beautiful, so simple, so sweet?

I never thought I’d be able to let go of all the fear, the heartache, the betrayal, the pain. 

Until Curaçao, I didn’t believe I could really put it all down.

Eight days in Curaçao felt like a millennium of healing. 

Turns out you don’t have to grow the hard way. Turns out trauma and heartbreak aren’t the only ways you garner wisdom. Love grew me.

And cacti, seafood, sleep, breath, water and language became my sacred medicines. 

I learned so much about the woman I’m becoming.

I now know that she cares to feel human and she likes to be tender.

I am not a poor little girl who wants to die anymore; I am a woman who wants to live. 

And I am devoted to creating a life that lets the goddess inside me flow, glow, move slow. 

I am not a thug who needs love; I am a thug who is love.

I pray you get to walk every corner of the earth with your head held high and your heart open. 

This island gave me a new heart. It gave me permission to reclaim my softness.

I am not the same. I am forever changed. I am my own north star. 

I dream deeper. I want more. I see clearer. I yearn for love and freedom. 

I am a newborn and a forever romantic. This healing was so deep, so personal. 

To the geckos.

To every sunrise and sunset.

To the saltwater.

To Playa Pirate Bay.

To Jan Thiel Beach.

To Grote Knip.

To the cacti.

To the street dogs.

To the brave winds and shiny stars.

To Tony.

To Jayden.

To Tempu.

To the woman that sold me the mangoes.

To my precious baby sister.

To you.

To she who creates herself.

Thank you.