This was scary, but it made me feel alive.
Thank you for reading parts & pieces of my head and my heart.
And for giving me space to be vulnerable as fuck.
Thank you to the organizers and all the creatives for being such beautiful people and bringing us together in such a beautiful space.
Before going on stage, I told Leo (Ig: G3lio) that I wasn't a poet, "I just like words" and he replied, "No! You like textures, rhythm, motions, feelings and more! Not just words, man."
And he was right, I do, I really, really do.
And I'm not gonna undermine that anymore.
Check out the other artists: https://qrco.de/bcQNtf :)
Youth Voices SAW Showcase Poetry Set
Summer 2020
I’m becoming increasingly aware that this planet is not safe for someone who looks like me
I mean I’ve always known, but tonight the feeling is weary and heavy
and I don't know if I’ll survive this
I don't know that I want to survive this
if I die
hug my mom
hold her
tell her about me, the parts unknown & hidden too
make sure she smiles again
tell her we had the same giggle
remind my sister I love her
that I’m with her every step of the way
protect her
tell her she’s beautiful over and over
give her my sun necklace, yes the one turning green,
it was my favourite
tell my brother he’s allowed to cry
that he should soften up
and think his thoughts out loud
that I worried about him
that there’s a playlist I made with him in mind
make sure he knows his football dreams will come true
and that in the case they dont don’t he’ll build himself an amazing life regardless
and I that I wouldn't love him any less
tell my dad I wish things could have been different
that I need him to let that pain go
thank that I loved him despite me
that I want him to remember me
that I adored them
that I know they’ll be okay
do not let them neoliberalize me
or paint me as a peace keeper
I was abolition, destruction and fire
I wanted death to the world as we know it
I wanted to see it all burn
I wanted to build a sanctuary in those ashes
a new world out of smoke
I wanted an oasis out of debris
If not in this lifetime I hope the next
I really did do my best
my dreams, my aspirations and my hopes were big, black, radical, revolutionary and dope
I wanted that passion to ooze out of me and give life, bring hope
make light
be light
match
spark
and spread it
and watch it grow widespread
my rage should be cherished and remembered
as should my heart
I wanted to live wholeheartedly
ripple change in any way possible
laugh with my entire chest and smile with all my teeth
I wanted to know love and have it know me
for it to fill every crack and enter every vicinity
I wanted to drown in it
I want to be certain my friends & my sisters know they gave me every part of it
do not bury me
make me into a tree
tend to me
do read my diary
thread through those pages carefully
stream my consciousness and read the parts of me I didn’t talk about enough
listen to my voice notes
complete my bucket list
pour one out for me
light a candle and help me transition,
I don’t think I’d go easy
play my favourite songs, sing them, dance to them, lose yourself to them
smile and wave at strangers at all hours
stare at the sky, glimpse at the stars and thank the universe often
soften
some days wait for sunrise
live vulnerably and with sensitivity
hold me in your heart as you do
that would be enough
I hope
that would be enough
I probably never finished the books in my library
read and embrace them for me
lastly, “I thank Allah for his blessings with which he has filled me.”
My Pussy is not a Rose Quartz
They tell me I am home
They tell me I am warm
They climb up inside me
Yet put down no foundation
Tell me I am their peace and their safe haven
This is where they come to forget themselves
And treat my bones like shells
I am a break from the world around them
This is where they come to feel love
See love
Touch love
Smell love
Taste love
To my cave
My secret cove
My pussy is not a rose quartz
I repeat my vagina is not a mine where you can rummage in search of yourself
You will not find kyanite in my barings
Or selenite in walls
Or jade in halls
I am not the peace, love and light you are looking for
I use men like you to wipe the floor
You cannot use humans a blood diamonds
I promise there is no ruby in my nether regions
You can’t keep exploiting hearts to make yourself feel full
Feel anything
Feel at all
I am not your safe space
I am not the place you come to heal
I am not your church confessional
I am not your mule, your caretaker
Nor your corner store or rehabilitation centre
You will clear and cleanse your way through your shit alone
This house is not your home
Do not mishear me
I know I am a rare gem
Just not yours to collect
To have or even to admire or to vet
I am my own treasure, but enough I digress
I am not a stone for you to bring to your altar
I will not be the offering
I will not be your sacrificial stone
This is my own home
Eye Contact is Minefields Worth of Intimacy
Your eyes they carry a lot, but not too much to decipher
I’m sure I could do it if you gave me your permission and a couple hours
I wish I could strip it all away and claw through the surface
Through your brain and through your iris
I’d make my way though your pupils from atop your head
And go wherever I am lead
If only you’d let me dig through your frontal lobe
Your eyes as my point of entry
I wouldn't poke and probe
Simply sift through the ripples of your brain so gently
Exploring and taking in all around me
I’d walk inside your head
And pick up all the thoughts you dread
I’d then make myself tiny
And pick up all that is heavy
Collect rivers of tears
And pour the pain out from your ears
Be the release you’ve been searching for years
Let me through
I just want to love you
From inside your brown eyes
To crystallize
To memorize
And maybe even collect butterflies
When He’s in My City
he calls me lust
he calls me sexy
he calls me 613
he calls me after midnight, only
he calls me crazy
he calls me when his dick is hard solely
he comes to my door every blue moon
he comes and is gone my noon
he comes when he wants company
he comes and leaves his keys
he comes back and leaves me on my knees
he says feelings are like disease
he says this is no romantic get-together
he says we need boundaries
he says its overwhelming when it feels like we’re together
he says he’s known love already and does not care to know it again
he says this playfully not knowing it is a matter of emergency
the storm is getting heavy
and my heart has called a general assembly
we gather in the nest of my chest and she’s ready to protest
she calls me wailing
she calls me crazy
she calls me begging
she cries wash him off me
she cries blood
she cries like she is grief stricken
she cries like she had seen this coming
she says he salts your earth and its time to let him go
she says he’s been picking at her like a crow
she says crops will never grow here
she begs me to stay clear
she cries that since he’s arrived in town she’s only known pain
she cries why do you fall in love with hurricanes
why do you stick around and see them through
even when they rampage through you
and leave your skies a grey muddy shade of blue
when the sun comes up there is nothing but mourning
nothing to see after an empty night of moaning
and trees groaning
and im hurting
yet i still find him so charming
its been nothing but down
she says it only rains sour in this town
she is forecasting another storm
she says she will not stay for this one
she says send him back to the girl he came from
she senses the oncoming anguish and she feels the rain droplets
she says he’s coming
I also hear the drumming
or that might be my heart beating
she predicts he’ll phone once and I’ll be topless
and I could say she is senseless
but I am to busy putting on my best dress to bring a warm welcome to our guest
yes, the one who brings no offerings but harsh winds, mess and distress
she warns me that she cant weather another storm like the last one
she says she’s gonna pack her shit and run
its too late he’s made it the city
he calls, he comes, he leaves
she calls, she cries, she wails.
there is nothing left to harvest
just things to process
he says he’ll call me when he’s back in the city
and that he misses me already
Still Dreaming an Oasis
dreaming an oasis. dreaming sanctuary. dreaming safe spaces.
I’m so tired of black girls not being afforded the most basic care, compassion, respect and grace
of eldest daughters carrying centuries worth of heartache
I am so tired of my sisters and I not having a home to come home to
not having a place in the world where you are safe and radically accepted too
every time I’ve been at the end of my wits I’ve never pulled myself out of it alone
the honourable thing to say would be to that I figured it out on my own
but I really could not have done it alone.
when you do not have both the material and emotional tools or resources to get by,
there is no getting by.
there is no making ends meet.
you need people.
you need ground under you feet
the last time I was free falling deep
people held me together
they held me to keep
held me tighter
andrea gave me a roof to stay under
nashlee was always a call away
angelina made groceries trips into fun outings
m-a gave me space to unravel, be a mess and just exist
amani reminded me that every breath was active resilience and courage, that I was stronger than I thought
braver than i thought
adrian offered me hugs & adventures as moments of respite
nisrine made sure i kept my head on my shoulders and didn’t let myself sink
they knew i’d be alright
florence let me know help was okay
and those are only a couple names along the way
I got so lucky
I am so lucky
and for that I am eternally grateful
but I also wonder if everybody is as lucky as me
I do know the answer to that question actually
and the mere thought of it brings me to tears
because it shouldn’t be a matter of luck
I’ve been longing, looking and searching for peace, love, safety, security and stability for the entirety of my life
often in the wrong places.
and i don’t want other black girls to have to look any further
or any longer...
so I am still dreaming an oasis
because suffer, struggle, survive
there has to be more to life than this?
I’m tired of holding all this hurt in my spine
and swinging through trauma like vines
this planet won’t run run me into the ground
I want my heaven now
I want my oasis
a pretty plum planet where care and love are the basis
I just want a place to heal
a place to surrender and feel
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