For me this past year was an amalgam of big ass tower moments. You know the kind of moments that make you feel like you’re free-falling and there is no ground beneath you? Everything around me crumbled and consumed me from the ground up in each and every sphere of my life. These giant recurring back-to-back circles of loss and grief definitely gave my year some character and quite frankly took a toll on my mind, my body and my spirit. I thought 18 whooped my ass, but ayooo my 19th year on this planet took me to my graves 272 times.
I’m a part of the weird gang of folks that’s never been particularly fond of their birthday, but I couldn’t help but celebrate this one. So I tried to ease myself into it by finding small ways to celebrate a wee bit everyday and reflecting on the year behind me.
I wasn’t too sure I’d make it to 20, but I’m here. And I think it would be a shame not to acknowledge the immense gratitude that I feel. How could I not celebrate making it this far? How extraordinary to have lived and breathed myself all the way here! How magical to be so well surrounded and so lucky!
*Cue the Lucille Clifton quote*
Here are some of the lessons I learnt this past year:
1. Grief is immeasurable and dare I say incomprehensable. It is not limited to people that are no longer here. You can grieve past relationships, lost time, parts of your identity, old friendships, people you don’t know, missed opportunities, the life you thought you’d have… And in fact you should grieve them ardently! The heavy feelings that accompany any kind of loss are very real and they will demand to be felt if you don’t honour them. Sit with them, cry, yell and do whatever you need to do for that grief to have space. Anoint that space with tears, seeds and flowers so that you can continue to make space for things that are worth grieving!
2. Do not underestimate the power of speaking life into yourself. Be it affirmations or prayer, speak good tender honey filled things over your head
3. Hyper-independence is not a virtue. Let people love you, learn to say yes and accept the help. If you judge yourself for needing others, you unknowingly judge others for needing people as well, for needing you. We can’t do this life shit alone, let people in and let them know how you need them to show up for you. Upon doing so you give others the permission to do the same; you give them permission to receive the best version of your love too!
4. Community. Community. Community. When the state fails us, we do right by each other and we got each other. Networks of care & mutual aid save lives! So get to know your neighbours. Check on your neighbours. Love your neighbours. And FYI love is political. Love is a verb. Love is a praxis. (Pick up a copy of All About Love by bell hooks like yesterday.)
5. Conflict is not innately bad. It’s an opportunity to move through what is uneasy with love and deepen a relationship. Even if it’s difficult or scary territory, practice leaning into it (Breya M. Johnson). It’s saying I care about you, myself and this relationship enough to speak on the things that matter and address them with care and empathy. I care about us enough to work through what needs to be worked through because it’s worthwhile. Because I know we will be better after this. Because you can love me better after this. Because I can love you better after this. Because if you love someone what is more important than that?
6. Talk to your doctor about it, always. Aht Aht I don’t care how stupid, trivial or small you might think the thing is. Tell that nigga! Your health matters!
7. Fuck “the grind”! Your passion projects don’t have to be side hustles. The things that keep you feeling alive do not have to be morphed into business centered ventures. Make your own clothing because it’s cute! Share your writing because you’re proud of it! Paint for fun! Don’t let capitalism eat your dreams! Your passions, your identity and your hobbies don’t have to be commodified or “for sale” for them to be worth your time. Put your whole heart in it simply because you can.
8. Assert yourself and vocalize your needs & wants! Speak up; tell people how to love you. I need reassurance. I need affection. I need clarity. You’re allowed to want to feel emotionally safe. Surround yourself with people that are good for your nervous system.
9. Sleep. Nothing is worth working yourself into the ground. Rest is liberation (courtesy of The Nap Ministry). You are not a machine. It’s that simple. Take the nap! Drop the work hours! Or fuck it, quit the job actually! + You work against you when you deny yourself your most basic physiological needs!
10. STAND TEN TOES ON YOUR SHIT! Some hills are worth dying on!
11. Sometimes the things you want are fucking terrifying! Intimacy? Stillness? Peace of mind? It might not be familiar, it might feel uncomfortable or even be dehabilating. Sit and take it all in regardless! Then, obliterate whatever narratives stand in the way of you basking in the things you deserve. Don’t run away from it! Leave the self-sabotage at the door, you are deserving of all the beautiful things that flow to you. And in the case that you don’t trust yourself enough not to soil your blessings or sully your dreams, I am telling you that you cannot and you will not ruin this good thing. And if that’s still not enough, trust the divine and anchor yourself in the knowing that nothing that is for you will ever escape you.
12. Don’t stress and worry yourself into despair. It’s completely utterly useless and it wreaks havoc on your brain for no reason. Hasn’t every single thing always worked out? You’ve done your due diligence now surrender and flow. It’s above you!
13. The B-word: Boundaries. Learn to be vocal about what you will not tolerate.
14. Measure your life by your own values and your own metrics. “Everyone else’s idea of making it does not have to be yours (Trinity Faith).” Similarly, live your life in ways that make YOU proud and that fulfill YOU. Everyone was always unhappy with something I was doing... People will riot, project their wildest fears onto you and even call you crazy for not following their version of what is ideal. Even if it’s not in bad faith, put it through a filter! Not all advice is good advice even if it is well informed. Pick and choose what YOU need. Trust your intuition, anchor yourself in your values and let you lead your own way. Their conception of happiness or success is not necessarily yours hence there is not room for whoever to police your choices, your experiences or your feelings. Do things for you and do them your way! It took everything in me to admit that for too long I was living my life for others. It sounds very simple, but it is crucial that you live your life by your own principles. At the end of the day, you’re the one that has to live it. All to say, fuck it do whatever you want!
15. You can invest in your healing, I swear! Self-devotion and a determination to do right by you will never steer you wrong ever! Getting a therapist was the scariest and most worthwhile thing I ever did! But you can start this journey anywhere really and in whichever ways are accessible to you. Buy a journal and practice stream of consciousness journaling or explore shadow work prompts. Write letters to your inner child! You can also explore new ways to move your body (on God yoga saved my life) or you can also look into support circles! Just start somewhere and commit to “getting right within”! Get to the root and find catharsis.
*Small reminder not to credit trauma and hardships for your growth as a person. Credit your support system, your coping mechanisms and the time you put into breaking cycles, shedding stories, purging old experiences, letting go and putting yourself back together.
*Quite obviously and sadly, therapy is still hella inaccessible, but Open Path Collective can connect you to therapists that offer sliding scale services. In addition, many local organizations offer free counselling sessions too!
16. It is crucial that you be gentle with yourself. You know you’re doing your best so offer yourself compassion, grace and care. Stop being so hard on yourself! You have to play on your own team. You have to handle yourself, talk to yourself and treat yourself like you love yourself.
17. Slow down, you have time. You have so much left to learn, to live and to experience. Be patient, tek time! You know as much as you don’t know and there’s nothing wrong with that. You have your whole life ahead of you babes!
18. Be mindful of how the things you consume make you feel! Everything from media to food, medication and more. For one, this one brand of vitamins was wreaking havoc on my body! Likewise, checking twitter as soon as I woke up and digesting tragedies for breakfast was not a good morning ritual. Similarly, eating pizza for two weeks straight was no bueno. In all these cases, my body was actively talking to me and trying to warn me; I just needed to slow down and listen. So observe, note and act accordingly. Don’t be afraid to subtract if necessary!
19. The mute button do be saving lives! Block button too! You don’t owe people access to you. Curate your personal spaces, especially the ones online. In addition, your relationship with social media is what you make of it. You’re allowed to define it for you and change it as you see fit! (Deleting my Snapchat was the best thing I could ever do for ME.)
20. Don’t let the world harden you. Be open. Be raw. Be soft. Be vulnerable (I would ride or die for Brené Brown). Share your heart and your truest truth with everyone you meet. Be human and be imperfect. Because why not live wholeheartedly?
21. BONUS: The only way out is through, and you should always see yourself through. See yourself through every season, through every shortcoming, through every mistake, through every earth-shattering moment and hold yourself tight. You will make it to the other side of this and it will be worth it, I PROMISE.
Lastly, a big giant sweet thank you to all the people who’ve sustained and breathed life into me (and continue to do so) at my worst and at my best. I couldn’t have made it here without y’all. I’m eternally grateful! XOXO
Your words will never cease to move me. Wow wow wow.